Sunday, July 30, 2006

Speaking of Pantsless People

Did I ever tell you the story of Pantsless Tony?

Sophomore year at college, my roommate met this guy on the internet. They went on a couple dates, and since she's a homebody, she brought him back to our place to watch movies. Coincidentally, I was out watching movies with my friends that night, so I didn't know anyone was going to be over when I got back at around 1a.

Imagine my surprise when I walk in to see them cuddled up in bed (not doing anything), and in retrospect, just sleeping. I didn't know that at the time. I did know, however, that he wasn't wearing pants. Because they were lying flat on the floor like a deflated, topless corpse.

Naturally, I freaked out and ran across campus to Jimmy's room where I hid out for another 3 hours until I was sure they probably weren't doing it anymore. I went to bed and met Tony the next day.

Well, he kept coming over. He kept taking off his pants and lying them on the floor. And he kept begging asking to 'honk her boob.' It was endearing in that desperate, pantsless creepy guy sort of way.

Well, we had a lot of bugs in our room. HUGE centipedes that carried around whole zip codes on their hair-like legs and ants and wolf spiders (which we didn't know were wolf spiders at the time). We were researching what they could be, and we were concerned that they might be brown recluse spiders. We told Tony this, but this also happened to be the night that his friends had fed him about 30 jello shots without telling him (and then let him drive 40 minutes to Albion), and he got progressively more fucked-up as the night went on. And the more fucked up he got, the more he wanted to honk her boob.

'Why won't you let me honk your boob?' he'd whine.

She was getting fed up, though because he was far needier than usual when drunk. 'If you don't quit asking me that, I'm going to shove you out of bed, and you can sleep on the floor.'

He got this panicked look on his face. 'You wouldn't make me sleep with Brian Reckless! He'd kill me!'

Yes. He would get tangled in your plentiful and very visible sans pants leg hair, and he would have no choice but to kill you. Because that's what people living on our floor do...not spiders, mind you. People.

So, we immortalized him as Pantsless Tony, and I wrote a story about his Pantsless Adventures for my creative writing class. All in all, things were good in the end...until she met the ambiguously gay Sinfonian...but he's another less interesting story.


At July 30, 2006 2:57 AM, Anonymous Jimmy said...

This is a true story. I do remember the night of the jello shots, and the freaked out Krista hiding in my room until 3 AM. I don't remember the boob-honking, though.

At July 30, 2006 4:01 AM, Anonymous Brian Reckless said...

I wasn't interested in him, either.


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